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09 April 2009 @ 10:34 am
Contradictions  
So, hm...I'm in my EDP class today and he starts to teach us about assessment. And goals, objectives etc. Basically, the highly functionalist component of schools. Made me more than a bit pissy (as usual). Especially since SPF class where I had read the Hirsch article about the flaws with many systems of standards and how generally useless they are. Besides, even if I thought functionalism was more a useful viewpoint (which I don't in many ways), I know that these forms of assessment such as standards and goals are mostly bullshit. The best, most accurate, inclusive objective on the planet cannot in any way measure learning. You just can't. Knowledge isn't even measurable. I tried to bring it up in class only to have it go right past everyone's brains. FUCK. No behavior predicts learning absolutely. I'm fucking living proof of that. My fantastic regurgitation skills over the years are proof that little to no learning took place at all, and yet I met or exceeded the standards throughout school. So fuck standards. Stupid ass shit. Functionalism can kiss my white ass. All it teaches me is imitation, intellectual pantomime and content regurgitation triumph. That way, I can learn to do the little dance in society that school tells me to do. DUMB. Besides, I can't dance. :-/

Cottage cheese legs are gross. Dumb ASU bitches need to hide that shit. Jesus. PLZ

Now to be equitable, I have a commentary on some men's fashions as of late. First, V-neck shirts. WTF. They're fucking stupid. For one thing, guys don't have boobs (well some do, but that's kinda gross) SO DON'T SHOW OFF YOUR FUCKING CLEAVAGE. 2nd. Chest hair shooting out of your v-neck is not hot. Dude. Not manly, not hot, not ever. Also, sunglasses. Big ol'alien eyes sunglasses are stupid. YOUR EYES AREN'T THAT FUCKING BIG. So don't wear sunglasses that big. That one goes for ladies as much as men. Oh, and those retro sunglasses aren't any cooler. Who cares that you found some neon green sunglasses from the early 80's hiding in your uncle's closet. Doesn't make you original, that's for damn sure. Next, shirts with one-sided non-symmetrical designs drive me crazy. All these metro-looking snobby, muscle men like em. The lack of symmetry drives me nuts. They aren't even fucking centered. And the fact that every single one of those designs looked like the rolled around in a wet post-modern art show. Only on one side of course. All stupid curving weird symmetrical designs. Wtf is up with that. I fail to see how that's any cooler. So many guys are such fucking TOOLS.

So I was thinking to myself today, being the existentially plagued, obsessive person I am; Hyrum, why are you so full of rage? You know, Hyrum, that's a damn good question.

Why am I so full of rage? Well, let's see. Honestly, I feel empty inside. An emptiness. So large, so deep, and so powerful, it often consumes me with despair. I have often wanted to end my life to escape the pain of emptiness, and I few times I have tried exactly that. Often I feel that embracing the void is the only option. I truly honestly don't know what to do.

I'm mad at the world for having nothing in the entirety of it that can help me fill that void. My rage comes from the feeling of utter helplessness in a world full of illusions, and other people as hollow as I am. The more I learn, the more I experience, the more I come to see our cherished culture, traditions, religions, and systems of values are just vain attempts to fill that hole inside humanity. It's like trying to fill the Grand Canyon with an eyedropper. That's the absurdity of it.

And so we float on. I lash out at these false constructs in an effort to dispel them...to lift the fog from around my mind. Who knows, perhaps through my educative efforts in my career path I can clear just enough of those illusions from around a young mind; to allow that individual a clairvoyant insight of something real.

I get so frustrated with people, blindly accepting values that are false and not real as their own. People that have fully bought into the system. People that I often wonder are even people anymore; so much have they immersed themselves in the mindless ebb and flow of society they are no longer independently thinking individuals. I often wonder if I am (or anyone) for that matter are freely-thinking. Or merely reacting against norms and false consciousness I am just as shaped by it. Being reactionary against something is not a novel thought or action in and of itself.

However, in the end, I try to comfort myself against the hopelessness. I try to say to myself "knowing the trap is there is half the trick in avoiding it" Or at least if I decide to enter the trap, I know full well what I am doing.

Or is being one of those that avoids the trap all part of the plan, part of the system that impossible to escape? Wow. WHAT A MINDFUCK HUH? It's like one giant mental feedback loop. I need to stop thinking before I blow a circuit.
 
 
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